Once again, I have discovered my ideal community within a retail environment, this time at Ikea. As I looked around, I noticed numerous middle-aged women selecting kitchen supplies for their nearly adult sons, who seem eager to embark on the next phase of life, where they will likely relocate to a new city and hardly ever step foot in a kitchen. I couldn’t help but wonder where the young women were—had they all opted for online shopping? Had they been accumulating teapots over the years as part of a nostalgic university collection?
The shopping experience began with a discussion about a chopping board, which my son insisted he neither needed nor wanted. I countered, asking him how he planned to prepare vegetables, to which he replied that he would figure it out when the time came. I exclaimed, “You’re going to end up with scurvy!” Nearby, a mother and her son were engaged in a debate over the necessity of a cheese grater, culminating in her declaring, “I think you might be on the verge of starvation.”
As I navigated the aisles of the home goods store, I realized that this experience was uniquely challenging and one for which I had not adequately braced myself. It served as a litmus test for the amount of domestic knowledge I had successfully passed on. When faced with questions like “Can you wash sheets?” it became evident that the answer was a resounding “None.” I recalled a time when I visited a much larger Ikea with my own mother while my youngest child was still an infant. Upon entering, my mother noticed that my daughter had a single nit in her hair. I dismissed it, saying, “Give her a break; she barely has any hair.” My mother interpreted this as a sign of my lack of seriousness regarding hygiene and proceeded to loudly attempt to purchase every bath-related product in the store. By the end of our third hour there, everyone around us was aware of the nit situation.
Ikea could benefit from a sign at its entrance that reads: “Parents! If you find yourselves having this conversation now, it’s already too late.” It would likely have a charming ring in Swedish.
Zoe Williams is a columnist for The Guardian.
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