Well, that’s quite the start, isn’t it? Everyone, I find myself in a rather embarrassing situation right now.

With all the contestants gathered, it’s about time to introduce the coffin. If Claudia emerges from it, I may just lose my composure entirely.

Among the competitors, Julie has quickly become my favorite. In the most complimentary way possible, she resembles someone who has won a contest. She keeps approaching everyone to express her admiration for them, and it feels like she’s on the verge of asking for autographs. In other news, it’s nice to see people are actually sitting next to Jerry Hall, which was a concern of mine.

We first meet Michael Sheen, a contestant who carries the dramatic weight necessary to convincingly claim he’s not planning to spend his nights at an airport hotel in Inverness.

Next up is Maja Jama, followed by Joe Lycett, and then the rest of the lineup. Julie openly admits to being easily starstruck as James Blunt enters, donning a suit that looks like a wedding rental. It seems no one is eager to sit beside Jerry Hall.

We witness an Easter Island statue, a teddy bear with glowing eyes, and Rob Beckett staring at a chessboard as if he’s waiting for a pizza to arrive. Ah yes, this is indeed The Traitors.

There’s the moon, a castle, and an owl. Claudia Winkleman seems to be engaged in a game of Cluedo with the owl, which appears rather indifferent to the whole affair.

It turns out I was mistaken; the Celebrity Traitors 2026 is officially underway.

And just like that, we’re off with Celebrity Traitors 2026.

Before the show kicks off, I should mention that I’m a bit out of practice with live blogging. It’s been over a decade since I liveblogged a series, back during the X Factor, which drove me quite mad. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this game, and I might be a bit rusty.

However, I stumbled upon an old tweet from X Factor’s Wagner, who offered me a free tattoo. So that’s my real goal tonight. The success of this live blog will hinge on whether Professor Hannah Fry invites me out for some adventurous body art. It’s either that or nothing at all.

In the meantime, as we wait for the show to begin (it’s still 15 minutes away, and I must say, you all arrived too early), take a moment to familiarize yourself with the series through Michael Hogan’s excellent overview.

What can we deduce about the contestants based on the lineup? Here are some quick predictions:

1. King Kenny will likely be the first eliminated, as traditional celebrities often overlook YouTubers right off the bat.
2. All comedians with podcasts may combine into one chaotic entity of limbs and laughter, reminiscent of the creature from The Thing.
3. No one will bother to write down Myha’la’s name during the round table, fearing the apostrophe mishap.
4. Ross Kemp could either be the best Traitor, the best Traitor hunter, or might have a mental breakdown before Halloween.
5. Maya Jama will definitely refer to another contestant as ‘yourself’ during the initial round table discussion.

Before the show starts, let’s run through this year’s contestants, along with brief descriptions that I’ll surely regret when I have to interview them later.

• Amol Rajan – The individual whose first act after leaving the BBC was to join this flagship show.
• Bella Ramsey – An actress accustomed to dealing with zombies, so she should manage well here.
• James Acaster – Comedian and podcaster.
• James Blunt – A self-aware nuisance.
• Jerry Hall – Former partner of the Joker.
• Joanne McNally – Comedian and podcaster.
• Joe Lycett – Comedian, and the only contestant who follows me on social media, slightly compromising my journalistic integrity.
• Julie Hesmondhalgh – Known for her role on Coronation Street.
• King Kenny – A YouTube prankster, and not an actual monarch.
• Leigh-Anne Pinnock – Former member of Little Mix; thus, the only person on this list I’ve previously liveblogged about.
• Maya Jama – Listed as a ‘Broadcaster and Entrepreneur,’ which sounds a bit too much like Alan Sugar.
• Michael Sheen – A renowned and talented actor.
• Miranda Hart – The only contestant with a sitcom named after her.
• Myha’la – An actress with a name that is a liveblogger’s nightmare.
• Professor Hannah Fry – A lovely mathematician.
• Richard E. Grant – An esteemed actor.
• Rob Beckett – Comedian and podcaster.
• Romesh Ranganathan – Comedian and podcaster.
• Ross Kemp – Known for his visible crises during competitive sports involving England.
• Sebastian Croft – An actor with a rather posh name.
• Sharon Rooney – An actress whose name makes her sound like Wayne Rooney’s offspring.

Good evening, fellow viewers, and welcome to The Guardian’s live blog of The Celebrity Traitors. Tonight, and for each episode this season, I will provide you with commentary on everything you can already see and hear. You are most welcome.

Alright, fine, my reason for live blogging Celebrity Traitors is that I genuinely want to. I covered the finale last year, and it was such a blast that I decided to participate for the entire season this time. And rightly so: this is likely to be the most-watched show of the year, and I would wager that it’s also going to be incredibly addictive.

Prepare for betrayal, elaborate outfits, and a lengthy segment in every episode where contestants will retrieve an item from a location, all while pretending it holds tremendous importance despite not affecting the outcome at all. And unless there’s been a major format overhaul, expect multiple songs from a garden center CD compilation titled “Now That’s What I Call Some Woman Shouting Vaguely Recognizable Versions Of Popular Songs While Stomping On Lego Without Any Shoes On.”

The episode is set to air at 8 PM, but we’ll get to that in due time. The key takeaway is that I can’t do this solo. If you …