In her forthcoming publication, “Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck,” set to release on November 3 from New Harbinger Publications, psychotherapist Nancy Colier explores the detrimental impact of the narratives we construct about ourselves. These personal stories often hinder us from experiencing a more authentic and connected existence.
Be sure to check out the excerpt below and tune in to Susan Spencer’s interview with Nancy Colier on “CBS Sunday Morning,” airing on October 4.
According to legend, the renowned escape artist Harry Houdini encountered only a single failure in his public career. The tale recounts how Houdini accepted a challenge to escape from a maximum-security prison cell to demonstrate his skills. Despite his extensive efforts and lock-picking techniques, he was unable to free himself after hours of trying. Exhausted and defeated, he leaned against the door, which unexpectedly swung open, revealing that it had never been locked. The real imprisonment was not physical but rather a mental construct; Houdini was confined by the story he had created about his own captivity.
This illustrates a common truth: it is often not our circumstances that confine us, but rather the narratives we tell ourselves about those circumstances. The internal dialogues we engage in can become significant barriers to our freedom and happiness.
Consider my friend Francesca, who was furious after being asked to be a bridesmaid at a friend’s destination wedding in the Bahamas. In her interpretation, the bride’s invitation stemmed from the assumption that Francesca would never marry herself. Moreover, she believed that the bride thought she could simply take off for a four-day trip with little notice, thus viewing the invitation as both insulting and demeaning, as if the bride were merely throwing her a pity party.
A few days later, I found myself at a local diner, observing human interactions—a personal favorite pastime. At a nearby table, a couple in their forties discussed a film they had just seen. The man became visibly upset when the waiter passed them by without acknowledging him. He expressed frustration that it was the third instance of being “ignored,” insisting that if he were someone of importance, they would already be enjoying their meals. When the waiter finally approached, visibly anxious, the man aggressively confronted him, expecting better service. This ordinary encounter highlighted how individuals create narratives that shape their perceptions of reality. Just that morning, I was late to a meeting due to an unexpected trip to the doctor with my daughter. During our meeting, my colleague remarked on her inability to depend on others, referencing my tardiness despite having confirmed our meeting time. While it was true I was late, she never sought to understand the reason behind it. In her nine-minute wait, she had constructed a narrative that supported her existing beliefs about our relationship. This realization motivated me to return home and continue working on my book.
Everyone we encounter, including ourselves, is navigating through life with an internal narrative playing out in their minds—a story they believe to be true. Strangely, we often assume that our narrative is the only one being experienced. Essentially, our personal story becomes our reality. Unfortunately, it’s common for us all to share this misconception.
Typically, the only constant in all our narratives is the main character: ourselves. Our focus is on how experiences affect us—whether they bring us joy or pain, support or hinder us. This fundamental inquiry drives the stories we craft. Each individual’s narrative is narrated from a first-person perspective, creating a world that revolves around their own experiences. This self-centered approach is not born out of narcissism but rather stems from a fundamental human instinct to create meaning and ensure survival. Our narratives serve the purpose of maintaining our identity and existence.
Throughout life, we continuously weave our experiences into a coherent storyline that makes sense of the world around us. We construct plots that render our reality comprehensible and foster a consistent sense of self, which is essential for functioning effectively in society.
Challenges arise when we fail to recognize that we are viewing a unique film in a personal theater—one that no one else can see. We tend to view others through the lens of our narratives, assuming they are playing roles we have scripted for them. Our beliefs about others’ intentions and emotions are often based on our interpretations, leading us to interact with them as if they are characters in our story. Consequently, the film in our minds is perceived as the sole reality, creating a distorted view of the world around us. In truth, what we perceive as reality is merely a collection of interpretations shaped by our biases, personal histories, and the narratives we have constructed about ourselves.
Moreover, we don’t just accept these narratives; we defend them fiercely, often at great personal cost. Have you ever noticed…
