During a recent online discussion on the talk show Subway Takes, influencer Delaney Rowe expressed her view that there is no such thing as a poor texter, suggesting instead that individuals simply choose not to respond. She described the notion of being a bad texter as a misguided belief, labeling it a convenient excuse for inaction.
Radio host Dan Zolot echoed this sentiment, stating, “If someone wishes to reply, they will.” This perspective resonates with me as I glance at the 39 unread messages on my phone, feeling a surge of guilt. Each text brings me joy, as they are from friends, family, and acquaintances, many of whom I initiated contact with.
However, the thought of replying often feels as daunting as composing a handwritten letter, filling me with a sense of dread. I frequently tell myself, “I’ll respond when I have a bit of time,” but hours or even days pass, leaving me with escalating anxiety. The pressure to reply weighs heavily on me, and the realization that my silence might damage my relationships is even more distressing. I have witnessed some friendships falter due to my unresponsiveness and have attempted to convey my affection with lengthy messages, albeit much later than ideal.
My mother often reminds me, “When I’m gone, you’ll regret not texting me back.” This cycle of anxiety and avoidance has persisted since I first owned a flip phone. Back in the early days of T9 texting, I struggled to understand how others managed to keep up with the pace of communication, viewing it as a rare talent.
To better understand the impact of my texting habits, I asked a close friend known for their excellent texting skills how my communication style affected our friendship. Their response was almost instantaneous, revealing, “I tend to text you less for reasons beyond logistics because I don’t expect a timely response.” This confirmed my fear: I have inadvertently conditioned my friends to not rely on me for timely communication.
It can be challenging for proficient texters to comprehend that some individuals, like myself, experience an irrational barrier when it comes to replying. I am aware of the hurt this may cause, but it is equally distressing for those of us who struggle to respond.
Texting serves as a low-effort means of connection. A recent study published in The Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication indicated that individuals often text when they feel isolated, noting that texting can alleviate loneliness and foster a sense of connection. Yet, even with this knowledge, many still find it difficult to reply.
On TikTok, user C Armstrong humorously remarked about their own texting difficulties, joking that a curse prevents them from responding promptly. Despite the humor, they admitted that their sluggishness in replying has strained relationships, affecting both personal and professional interactions. They candidly expressed, “I should probably remove myself from dating apps, as they are meant for people who reply quickly.”
Various factors can contribute to someone being a poor texter. Clinical psychologist Dr. Annie Hsueh explained that burnout, anxiety, and a desire for control can all play roles. Additionally, perfectionism, conditions like ADHD, and personal preferences may also hinder timely responses.
Armstrong, who has ADHD and dyslexia, shared that texting intensifies their stress compared to verbal communication, as they become overly conscious of their word choice. They often preemptively inform friends and potential partners, “I’m not great at texting, and it’s not a reflection of you.” While some understand, others do not.
The response time for texting varies widely, with some individuals replying almost immediately while others may take an unreasonably long time. This disparity creates a significant gap in understanding between those who respond quickly and those who struggle. Proficient texters often assume that if someone wanted to reply, they would, overlooking the real challenges faced by those who find texting daunting.
Dr. Hsueh emphasized that for those who struggle with texting, external factors may be at play, stating, “It’s not simply a matter of willpower; something is obstructing their ability to respond.” Telling someone to improve their texting skills often falls short of addressing the underlying issues.
When discussing this with Harry Reis, a psychology professor at the University of Rochester, I inquired whether a poor texter could mend relationships by explaining their struggles with communication. Reis highlighted that while understanding may come from compassionate individuals, many may not respond positively without that level of empathy.
