Does parenthood contribute to happiness? A recent study published in Evolutionary Psychology suggests it may not, as researchers found no significant evidence linking having children to increased positive emotions. The study, which included over 5,000 participants across ten countries, including the UK, was led by Menelaos Apostolou from the University of Nicosia. The team examined both hedonic wellbeing, which encompasses everyday emotional experiences like joy and sadness, and eudaimonic wellbeing, relating to a sense of purpose in life. The only notable exception found was among mothers in Greece, who reported a heightened sense of meaning. Overall, no marked difference was observed between parents and non-parents, indicating that emotional wellbeing may remain relatively stable regardless of parenthood.
This conclusion might come as a surprise, but is it truly unexpected? Personally, being a mother brings immense joy and meaning to my life, yet it does not necessarily imply that my existence is inherently more fulfilling than that of someone without children. Comparing my experiences as a mother to someone childless lacks significance; children are not mere extensions of ourselves that dictate our emotional states. To genuinely assess the impact of parenting, one would need to consider two parallel lives: one where a person has children and another where they do not. Each version would need to complete a cognitive behavioral therapy questionnaire for a valid comparison.
However, even this method would not capture the essence of the experience. One could similarly ask whether loving others leads to happiness. The answer would vary: it can bring joy, but also profound pain. This complexity is intrinsic to the human experience. Choosing to have children expands the circle of people you deeply care for, whose joys and sorrows become intertwined with your own. The love for a child amplifies these feelings beyond what one might anticipate. As my mother wisely said, “Having a child makes you perpetually vulnerable.” A caregiver of my son once described him as “your heart outside your body.”
Yet, the intensity of these emotions is fleeting. Just as happiness is not a constant state, the vulnerability that comes with parenthood is also transient. These feelings are intricate and multifaceted. A recent discussion on Woman’s Hour highlighted several important topics, including societal pressures on women to adhere to intensive parenting styles, the weight of parental happiness on children, and the joy that can arise from spending time with kids—an aspect often overlooked. However, the unsettling feelings of vulnerability and unexpected grief were not addressed in that conversation.
It’s likely that some will disagree with my perspective, particularly those who wholeheartedly embrace motherhood. I want to clarify that I also cherish being a mom. Nevertheless, I believe society often fails to acknowledge the challenges of caregiving. The prevalent narrative suggests that care work is entirely fulfilling, particularly for women, which is misleading. Even when one loves the recipient of their care deeply, the work can be exhausting. We struggle to separate care from love and to acknowledge that parenting entails a demanding commitment that can sometimes lead to longing for personal freedom.
In an alternate scenario where I do not have children, I might experience fewer worries and greater financial freedom. I would not confront the emotional vertigo associated with parenting, though my life would still possess meaning. Importantly, I cannot directly compare this hypothetical existence to my current one, where I enjoy the simple pleasures of life with my child, like celebrating his joy as he runs through blossoming streets. “You’re so fast!” I cheer, and that moment brings a unique, uncomplicated joy.
Am I happier? It’s difficult to determine. I have a friend who, during struggles with infertility, believed her mental health would suffer irreparably if she could not have a child. I feel confident that, even after significant grief, I would have found a way to attain happiness. My son was a deeply desired addition to my life, not a means to complete myself. However, having him has certainly shielded me from deep unhappiness for a time.
Parenthood encompasses a spectrum of emotional experiences, characterized by varying highs and lows. The joyful peaks are more pronounced than they were previously, as the research suggests, while the lows can feel more profound. What helps to navigate these difficult emotions is the element of fun and, importantly, having a strong support network. I can’t help but think that the study’s findings might differ significantly if participants had access to the communal support that humans have historically relied upon. This could explain why Greek mothers report higher levels of happiness and purpose—because, when faced with fatigue and vulnerability, there are people available to share the burden of childcare.
Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett is a columnist for The Guardian.
