A couple in their late 60s has been grappling with feelings of stagnation for the past two decades, primarily due to their assets being locked in an unsellable property. Both individuals possess a creative spirit, and over the last year, the husband has undertaken several enhancements to their home, generating admiration from visitors. While he finds joy in their reactions, he remains somewhat reclusive and values a small circle of close friends over broader social engagement.
The death of his father last year plunged him into a period of despair, during which he contemplated suicide—a struggle he kept hidden from his wife. Seeking help, he initially reached out to Samaritans and subsequently engaged with a therapist. Another personal challenge has been his enjoyment of cross-dressing, which his wife has had mixed feelings about, although she has shown some willingness to accommodate him. After discussing this issue in therapy, he approached his wife again, and to his surprise, she agreed to his cross-dressing in the privacy of their home, alleviating a significant burden he had been carrying.
The husband dreams of selling their home to embark on new building projects and travel, but feels trapped by the inability to sell. He questions whether he has experienced a mild depression due to this sense of wasted time. He consulted psychotherapist Elena Mundici, who suggested that the loss of his father may have triggered deep reflections on life and mortality. She noted that the death of a same-sex parent often raises questions about life’s direction and purpose, potentially leading to feelings of depression.
Mundici described the husband’s home as a “golden prison,” where the external beauty contrasts sharply with his internal struggles. She identified contradictions in his narrative and highlighted the importance of understanding his true self. The therapist pondered the significance of his cross-dressing, associating it with a yearning for an alternative life that seems just out of reach. She emphasized the value of openness in relationships, suggesting that secrets can be burdensome.
While it remains uncertain whether he is experiencing mild depression, the therapist underscored the seriousness of his suicidal thoughts and commended his decision to seek professional help. When asked about the next steps, Mundici referenced a quote from George Eliot: “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” She recognized the potential for beauty and creativity in his life and encouraged him to focus on his internal landscape rather than merely pursuing external projects. She suggested that he could become his next project.
Although he believes selling his house is not an option, Mundici’s advice to reflect on his internal landscape is crucial. He should consider what truly resonates with him and whether selling the house would facilitate that journey.
For support in the UK and Ireland, individuals can reach out to Samaritans at 116 123 or via email at jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the United States, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline can be contacted at 988, or assistance can be sought through 988lifeline.org. Australia’s Lifeline crisis support service is available at 13 11 14, and additional international helplines can be located at befrienders.org.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri offers advice on personal issues submitted by readers. For those seeking guidance, submissions can be sent to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa is unable to engage in personal correspondence, and all submissions are subject to the publication’s terms and conditions. The latest series of her podcast is also available for listeners.
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